


burning through my darkest night

by halcyon_epochs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Butterbeer, F/M, Flirting, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jealousy, Kissing, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Pining Sirius Black, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 10:25:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15168668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halcyon_epochs/pseuds/halcyon_epochs
Summary: — not speaking your desires can have disastrous consequences • sirius black, marlene mckinnon, and the pains of unrequited love • for rose





	burning through my darkest night

**Author's Note:**

> this is also cross-posted on ffn [here](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12978878/1/burning-through-my-darkest-night)
> 
> i'm slowly cross-posting my works from there to here :)

_For Rose - thank you so much for being a sweet, supportive friend! We need more people like you in the world :)_

* * *

Marlene looks so  _beautiful_ when she laughs. He doesn't mean that she doesn't look beautiful when she isn't laughing, but there's something about it that just  _fascinates, captivates_. Her blonde hair cascading down her back, catching the dancing firelight, and her eyes, shimmering like twin sapphires, and Sirius just  _falls._

"You're  _whipped,_ mate," James remarks, somewhat hypocritically.

Sirius reclines back on the couch, his eyes still transfixed on her, and replies, "Just as much as you are with Lily, Prongs."

James chokes. "I don't—I'm not—are you serious? She's just a  _friend."_

"Uh-huh, and I'm Merlin's uncle," Sirius snorted. "And a  _friend_ would undress you with their eyes, like your  _friend_ is doing now."

James's head turns so fast he almost gives himself whiplash. Sirius smirks and returns his gaze to Marlene.

She's leaning forward now, her eyes gleaming with mischief as she playfully kicks Lily under the table. Lily yelps and breaks her self-induced staring contest with James, a light pink blush coloring her cheeks.

Sirius smirks again.

* * *

She's here with Gideon, smiling and laughing and he's here with someone else, his eyes straying to  _her,_ enviously wishing he could be the one to make her laugh.

She's wearing a azure dress that hugs her body in  _just_ the right places and accents her incandescent eyes. She looks like a vision, standing there all  _skin_ and  _legs_ and  _perfection._ It would be a lie if he said he isn't drooling.

Marlene's mirthful eyes flit to his resentful ones, dimming for a split second as they connect. He gives a sort of encouraging, half-smile, and the corners of her mouth quirk up.

She knows. She  _knows._

He shakes his head vigorously.  _No,_ he tries to tell her,  _no I'm not._

She raises an eyebrow and Sirius shrugs and with his free hand, gestures to Gideon.

She rolls her eyes and purses her lips (another part of her he's been staring at all evening) and returns her gaze to Gideon.

This exchange leaves Sirius more miserable than ever, and he's left with guilt of having brought this upon himself.

Had he worked up the courage, asked her one day sooner—hell, even  _one minute_ sooner—she wouldn't be here with another person, but him. She would be laughing that glorious laugh, but at  _his_ jokes.

Life sucked, sometimes.

* * *

_Sirius stood on a flat moor, which stretched from one horizon to the other, no end in sight. A chilly gust of wind blew through his hair and his loose shirt started to flap, but strangely, he didn't feel cold at all._

_Someone called his name. He turned, and there was Marlene, at the top of a summit, her hair streaming in the wind. Her hands were cupped around her mouth and she was screaming his name._

_Sirius started towards the summit, but found himself rooted to the ground. He looked down. His feet were submerged in a quagmire and as soon as he tried to take a step, he sunk further._

_Sirius tried to wade through the mud. The edge of the bog wasn't too far; hopefully he could claw his way out before it was too late._

_With each step he took, the quagmire fought back, pulling him down. It was laborious, tedious, and with a flash of frustration he lunged forward._

_That was a bad idea, and as the mud engulfed him, he caught one last glimpse of Marlene, her blue eyes sparking with fear, and then…_

_...he knew no more._

* * *

He couldn't take his eyes off of her.

They are having butterbeers, the nine of them—The Marauders, Lily, Marlene, her boyfriend Gideon, his twin Fabian, and Dorcas—and they are all squished together in one booth. Marlene is between Gideon and Lily—the former of which is holding her hand under the table—and they are all laughing and gossiping.

Sirius is participating halfheartedly, though his eyes dart to Marlene every so often, and he wonders how long he can keep this facade. He's obsessed with her, there's no denying it, and everyone knows except her.

When Marlene and Gideon start kissing, Sirius mutters an excuse to James and retreats to the loo. He does not miss the way James looks at him sympathetically, as if he understands.

And for the first time in his life, he wants to punch his best mate. James  _can't_ understand. He has the girl of his dreams, has everything he's ever wanted in life, and Sirius is stuck in an endless loop of pining over Marlene and being angry at himself for missed opportunities.

And for the hundredth time in his life, he wants to throw himself off of a cliff.

* * *

Graduation arrives and they're saying their goodbyes, and Sirius still can't work up the nerve to tell Marlene how he feels.

It's merely three words, stitched together by eight letters and three syllables, but he can't spit it out. It's too difficult. As much as he hates admitting it, he's a coward.

His eyes seek out Marlene as he says goodbye to his friends (his family is giving him a wide berth) and then he finds her at the edge of the crowd, talking with the Prewett twins. As he watches, Gideon swings an arm around Marlene's shoulders and she leans into his side, and Sirius feels sick.

Who is he kidding? Marlene will never be his, no matter how much he's enamored by her. She belongs to Gideon. Gideon will take good care of her, more than Sirius ever will.

* * *

That is the overstatement of the century.

It's stormy when he receives the letter. The owl knocks on his window, drenched and shivering, and Sirius lets him inside, puzzled as to who would sending him letters in this kind of weather.

The envelope is wet, but the thick parchment inside is not. He carefully peels off the wax seal—it has the stamp of Hogwarts on it, so he knows who it's from—and reads the letter, written in Dumbledore's elegant scrawl, and then—

—he breaks.

The letter crumpled in his fist, he runs outside with pure, unadulterated grief pounding his body faster than the downpour. He's unsteady, shaking, but not from the sudden chill.

His legs wobble, threatening to give out from under him. Raindrops—or are they tears?—fall down his cheeks.

She's gone. And he's all alone, loveless and heartbroken.

The mistake that's been haunting him for years—it's poignant now. And it would be for as long as he is tethered to this Earth.


End file.
